Honne: Tatemae
by ichigo711
Summary: The contrast between a person's true feelings and desires (Honne); and the behavior and opinions displayed in public to satisfy society's demands (Tatemae). Levi wishes for things in his life that he can never have. As humanities best soldier, he has a duty to fulfill and image to uphold.


_Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin or any of its characters. All credit for the characters and situations goes to the rightful owners. The only thing I own is this story._

**A/N: **I delicate this story to my good friend Alex! Happy belated birthday!

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**Honne: Tatemae**

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2:32pm- Petra Ral lay awake in her bed. Before falling deeply asleep, she always tried to stay half-awake just in case she got a visitor. It wasn't often, but sometimes he would show up unannounced.

There was a rasp at her bedroom door and she felt her heart jump. She threw off her bed sheets, fixed her hair as she briskly walked past her mirror, and took a calming breath before opening the door.

Levi was standing in her doorway; in his hand a glass bottle one quarter of the way filled with a clear drink. He gave her a short nod, then she held the door open for him as he haphazardly staggered in.

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Levi was humanities best soldier. He was short, and swift. A strong fighter, and had strength of the mind to match.

Petra was also a force to be reckoned with. She was a valued member of Levi's team. Although becoming emotionally attached could be as much a good thing as it could be a deadly mistake, the group was close. Levi, Petra, Erd, Auruo, and Gunter. Each was an important force alone, and together an even stronger one. They were a family. Each understood and cared for the others, even if it wasn't always outwardly expressed, or otherwise expressed through violence and teasing.

That was especially true for Levi. He didn't show much emotion towards anyone but he loved his friends more than he had ever been able to love anything else in the world.

Petra admired Levi a lot. When she first joined the survey corps, she looked up to him and saw him as a role model. She always watched him from afar and wished to herself that one day she could shake his hand and thank him for the risk he takes for humanities sake. Never would she have guessed that she would one day be on his level.

Levi watched Petra from the very beginning. He first noticed her on the first day she joined the survey corps. As all of the troops trembled like a leaf at Commander Ervin's speech, Petra had her eyes on another. Levi, who was standing beside Ervin noticed her eyes were glued to him. Even as Ervin walked across the stage, Petra's gaze stayed concentrated on the location where Levi stood.

The way she looked at him was what he found curious. She wore a big dumb smile, but just as with many others, tears streamed down her face and her knees buckled in fear. Despite it all, she sobbed while smiling. She was calm, but focused. She knew what she wanted to do and she wasn't about to turn back. Her eyes were big and innocent, but at the same time she had the familiar aura of hardened responsibility and sadness that most of the soldiers fresh out of training had. She seemed to be a person who was young and full of life; so unlike the type of person who belonged on the survey corps.

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After the presentation was over and the poor willing souls singled out, Ervin approached Levi with a knowing look on his face.

"Did you see the young woman in the front row? She seems to have taken an interest in you."

Levi clicked his tongue once in disapproval.

"She doesn't know what she is getting herself into. "

"She seemed determined enough."

"The whole time I was hoping she would just chicken out and leave,"

"…"

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As Levi stumbled forward into Petra's room, he grasped her shoulders for support. She let out a soft sigh.

"Really, again?"

He moaned in response and she did her best to stifle a giggle.

She always gave him crap for coming to her for help when he was in this state, but she secretly enjoyed having him there. Every time she reprimanded him and reminded him it was his responsibility to uphold his health, she was internally hoping he wouldn't listen to her advice.

She slung his arm over her shoulder and led him to her bed, where she cautiously seated him and fetched him a glass of water.

She was thankful that he likely couldn't muster up the concentration to notice how she had a smile on her face and a spring in her step.

The conversations they had on nights like these were always interesting, she thought.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

The night that Petra joined Levi's squad, they held a party. It started out as a relaxed social event, but once Mike arrived with the alcohol things really started to pick up.

Between Erd losing a bet and having to perform a dance in a frilly dress, and Auruo using every bad pick up line in the history of mankind on a lamp, Petra had a few shots in the spirit of celebration.

She feels fuzzy, but she can still remember how Levi approached her and she was internally screaming.

It was the first and only time she ever saw him completely drunk.

Looking back on it, she figures that, where she sober, she would have probably been blushing and at a loss for words at the very fact that she was standing in his presence, but the alcohol did a good job of loosening her tongue. At first she only nervously stammered, introducing herself and bowing her head so quickly that she got dizzy and nearly lost her balance. Levi threw an arm out to catch her, and she aggressively muttered her apologies, almost bowing and repeating the event.

From that point on, he kept an arm around her and just let her talk.

Her apologies turned to a story about how her parents always taught her to be polite, and that turned into a story about her family, which lead to some stories about her home and childhood.

He just listened and watched her expressions change. The way her eyes lit up, or how she looked when she pouted. The sad or distant expressions when she talked about her struggles, and the warmth, and kindness, or love when she spoke about certain memories. The way her lips moved put him in a trance, and he waited for the right moment to reach out and softly touch them. He watched for hours upon hours, and she only stopped talking when he slowly pressed the tips of his fingers to her lips.

"Tell me more some other time, Petra. I think it's time to go home."

She jolted a bit with the sudden contact and looked around realizing just how long it had been. The party was long over, and everyone, save one or two passed out on the floor, had gone home. The soft daylight peeked through the drawn curtains.

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Petra gently placed the glass of water in Levi's hand and watched as he downed the whole glass in one breath. He lowered the glass from his lips with a gasp for air and sent an uneven gaze in her direction.

"So Petra, tonight I was thinking…"

She sat down next to him and waited for tonight's scattered thoughts and musings with anticipation.

"How long after you joined the scouting legion did it take before you wanted to meet me and join my special operations squad?"

"You've asked this before already. Remember? I had my hopes set on it from the very beginning."

"But why? That's so stupid…"

"Because of you Heichou."

"Me…" He didn't respond for a short while before repeating what he had already said before.

"That's so stupid though… Why?"

Petra smiled fondly. Even with her life filled with fear and death and betrayal, she could still look forward to each coming day when she knew that nights like these were also to come. Even if they always started out with questions like these, she was more than happy to repeat her answers. Even with his breath, teeming with the scent of alcohol gently fanning her face, she would tell him as many times as he needed to hear it.

She softly placed her hand over his fidgeting one.

"I've always liked you heichou."

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When she woke up at 4:15pm the next day after the initiation party, Petra sat up in her bed and had to press her face into her pillow to let out her squeals. She felt herself blush at the recollections that flooded her memory. She was glad that everyone else in the barrack had gone out because if they had seen the way she was rolling around in her bed, a pillow clenched to her face and her legs kicking and flailing, they would have thought she had gone insane.

The brief moment of bliss ended for her when she realized why it was that nobody else was home. Training had been going on for hours, and she had slept through nearly all of it.

Levi was less lucky. He was required to be up for a meeting at 11:00 am the next morning.

He was greeted with kind hellos in the halls;

"Morning sir! Wha? Whoah! Did you get any sleep at all last night?"

"Hey heichou! You look like shit!"

He only grumbled his responses.

"ugh… Just shut up."

Out on the field Levi turned toward the commotion.

The drill commander was shouting at a young girl with copper colored hair. She apologized several times over for her tardiness. She stood stiff as the drill commander lectured her. This was not like the training she had before joining the scouting legion. Before she learned how to fight on the defensive, administer first aid, and follow orders, but this would be completely different.

Now she needed to learn how to kill, sacrifice, make life ending or saving decisions for herself, and how to survive. Outside the walls even the strongest man could die in a split second.

It was the same speech Levi had heard a million times. Even without being close enough to hear the words, he recited them in his head. He wasn't paying enough attention to care anyways, because he was busy staring at the girl.

"Petra…?"

The name felt familiar and natural on his lips.

He remembered just who she was. Hazy bits and pieces of their night long conversation begin to resurface in his mind. He remembered her smile and expressions perfectly, but for some reason some of the words she spoke weren't coming back to him. He pressed the palm of his hand into his head as a painful throb pulsed through his skull. He felt frustrated at himself for forgetting something that he knew for a fact he had enjoyed listening to so much before.

From that moment on, he made a mental note to himself that he would never let himself get drunk around that girl, Petra Ral, again.

It's not like it would be hard. He hardly ever got drunk anyways.

And her words were far too interesting to allow to be lost and forgotten.

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Some nights they he would fall asleep. Some nights they were overcome with passion and lust, and some nights they would stay up almost all night together just talking. Petra liked all three of these situations very much and never tried to compare them. Snuggling up to him for warmth as they slept, getting lost in her feelings for him and watching him return those feelings with equal intensity, and idly staying up chatting about things that hardly mattered at all. These were the nights that kept the both of them grounded in this crazy life ruled by the fear humanity felt because of the titans.

"You like me…"

Even through it was less of a question than it was just him restating the sentence, trying to comprehend the words, Petra answered back to keep the conversation going.

"Yes. It's true."

"Hmmmm… But that's…" He stopped himself in the realization that he would be repeating the same thing for the third time.

After a moment without any words on either side being spoken he leaned his head on her shoulder and muttered out anyways.

"stupid"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

The expedition went gravely wrong.

One after another, the lives of some very important people ended.

Each had their own stories come to a close and had families that would need to be told of their demise.

Levi propelled past each one and tried not to think about it. One after another, he hoped that it would stop. He hoped he had seen the end of it. He internally prayed to every and any God that he never before believed in.

_No_

Gunter. How awful. Just hanging. It didn't even look like a titan had killed him. What happened?

_This can't be. Why?_

Erd. Or the top half of him anyways. The rest was probably eaten. Levi doubted anyone would even want to retrieve those remains.

_Please stop. I can't-_

Auruo. Mangled and utterly defeated. This type of death was surprisingly common and didn't do the heroic fighter with an upward of 39 solo kills any glory what so ever.

_Please no. No no no. No more. Please. Please stop. I beg of you, please sto-_

Petra.

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"Petra"

"eh?!"

The way he suddenly leaned over and plopped his head on her shoulder caused her to jolt.

"Heichou? Is something wrong?"

"No, not like that."

"wha?"

"My name. Say my name Petra."

She hesitated for a second.

"Levi."

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He still remembers her smiling face. He still hears her voice in his mind.

There are people shouting and crying on every side of him. Wailing about having to lighten the load so they can escape. Titians close on their heels behind. He almost felt like there was a different him giving the orders, and this Levi wanted nothing more than to ignore them. He is on his horse riding fast, but he is a little distant and so everything feels as if it's in slow motion.

He is a bit disturbed at how her hair still looks as perfect as it did when she was alive as she falls. Once she's pushed from the cart, her copper locks blow in the wind and gleam. Then she is gone.

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One night Levi made his way to her sleeping quarters once again. It was an extremely bad day that became one of his favorite nights.

It started off as a regular night, just like any other when he repeated this routine. First, he acquired a bottle and took a few swings. Then he walked towards her room, and on the way there he listened to Erd complain about someone wasting the good booze, ("I found some of the precious stuff pored all over the ground the other day! When I find who's responsible I'm gonna take a bottle and stuff it so far up their ass-" or something like that). Before coming over to see her, he didn't even bother to fix his appearance, and he hadn't been sleeping for the past few nights. Quite frankly, he looked like a wreck. Once he arrived at her door, the best part of his night began.

Petra could remember one night in particular being her favorite.

The parts of the discussions they had on that night were especially interesting. Levi had had an extremely rough day and seemed to try to remedy the pain of losing so many soldiers by drinking their share of the night's liquor for them. The death count that day was high, and Levi came to her with his shirt wrinkly, hair unkempt, and dark rings under his eyes. Quite frankly, he looked like a wreck.

She let him in, and one of the best nights she ever had began.

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Levi handed over the badge to Dieter.

Dieter disobeyed orders and went back for Ivan's body, causing all of this in the first place.

More people died because of him. The bodies they had already recovered were lost because of him.

She was lost because of him.

And he still got comfort. He still got that one shred of comfort in having that badge to cling to.

What did Levi have? Memories? Memories of her smiling face, and sweet voice. Memories of her laughing, blushing, and telling him "It's too soon to be thinking of such things!"

The memory of her falling form as they fled for their petty lives.

All he really wanted was to come to her room that night so that he wouldn't have to be alone. He wanted her arms around him again.

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On that one special night they were together, Levi started talking nonsense out of the blue. He must have drunk way more than his fill, or so she believed.

"They're all gone now. Can you believe it?" He swayed back and forth unsteadily as he spoke.

"It's such a sad thought I know. I'm sorry Heichou. It's hard for everyone."

"Don't be sorry for me. Did you know one of them, Sven, had his first child not long ago?"

Petra thought she might cry at hearing that.

"I had no idea."

"A child. Now the wife will have to raise it without a father… hmmm… I wonder if I will ever be a father…"

"Heichou?"

"Petra, if I ever become a father, make sure I quit this job so I don't end up dying and leaving my kid behind. I'm being serious."

His words were slightly slurred, but Petra did as she was told and took him seriously anyways. None the less, she still didn't know how to respond to something like that.

". . ."

"Petra, if we ever had kids, what do you think they would look like?"

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"Levi Heichou!"

His heart sank to his stomach the moment he recognized that voice. Petra's father.

"Before she sees me I wanted to talk to you."

Levi knew he would have to face this trial sooner or later, but for his own sake he really hoped it would be later.

"My daughter sent me this letter and in it she made it very clear that she was ready to fully devote herself to you."

He felt sick.

"Well I guess she's too starry –eyed to consider how her father feels!"

_Stop. Stop sounding so happy._

"Well, anyways, as her father, I think it's a little too soon for her to marry. She's still so young with so much of her life ahead of her. At least before that happens-"

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"Kids?"

Petra couldn't believe what she just heard. Her and Levi, having children together? She was genuinely perplexed, but then one look at how dead serious his expression was got her blushing and giggling like an idiot.

"Probably brown eyes, and really athletic. Hey stop laughing. I'm serious!"

"But Heichou hasn't even asked me to be his bride yet!"

"Then let's get married Petra!"

"EHHHH?!"

He eagerly grabbed her hand. "For real. Let's do it. Tomorrow. Right now even!"

She became serious for a second before making a sort of cute snort noise and giggling harder.

"It's too soon to be thinking of such things!"

"There's no time like the present! For me, it's not soon enough!"

Her laughing faded, but the rose colored flush painting her cheeks didn't. She couldn't believe that this was actually happening. After all this time, here Levi stood, asking for her hand. A sad smile spread across her face.

"But remember, we can't. With this job, and in this time, we can't. It's too dangerous."

"Then let's quit Petra. We have done our share to protect humanity! Let's retire and live!"

Petra felt tears begin to leak from the corners of her eyes.

"I want to! I really want to! But humanity needs us. And our new mission, with Eren-"

"After, okay? We can carry out this mission, get humanity back on its feet, and then-? Be a little selfish for once Petra. Let me be selfish for once. It's been so long Petra. Please."

She embraced him.

"Okay. After we get the situation back under control. After this mission. I'll send a letter to my dad and tell him about what we want to do. Okay."

He hugged her back. The way they were embracing made it so that they couldn't see each others tears.

Petra was blissfully unaware as she idly wondered how much of this conversation Levi would remember in the morning.

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Even though it was so much different than it was before, Levi decided to visit her again.

He went through the usual routine that he did every time he came to visit her. Even way back when she was still alive.

He grabbed a bottle from the collection and took a quick swing, sloshing the alcohol around a little making sure the smell stuck with him. He only swallowed that one sip, pouring the majority of what was left on the ground and once again keeping his vow to never let himself be drunk around her.

With the bottle mostly empty now, he un-tucked his shirt from his trousers and undid the top few buttons.

As he walked outside to where she was, the cold stung his skin until he was pink in the face, and his hair was windswept and tousled.

For good measure, he added a slight stagger to his step, and slur to his speech.

He reached a hill, where there was a tree, where under that three there was a headstone. The perfect place to look over the town she grew up in.

He plopped down on the ground next to the site where he knew her body wasn't even buried and dropped the nearly empty bottle down in front of it.

"Hey. I came to visit again today."

"I know I was just here yesterday too. Sorry to trouble you like this."

"It's amazing how much we've managed to accomplish lately."

"Juliana got remarried, so now Sven's little boy, Danny, has a dad again. Did you know Danny is almost four now?"

"Hey Petra, if we ever had kids, what do you think they would look like?"

"Petra, say my name…"

"Hey, Petra…"


End file.
